Lame, lame, go away

The front page of today's paper is sporting a giant, glittering example of a crappy rhyming title: "Trapped on a plane, instant fame". This is not a rhyme, this is a near rhyme, and my take on this is, if a near rhyme is as close as you can get, skip the damn rhyme!

Here, I'll fix it for them: "Trapped on a plane, instant fame/The Star Tribune is totally lame". There, now it's a real rhyme.

I swear I'll write about something other than rhyming headlines, but for the moment that's all I have time for, since I'm starting a new job today and have to catch the bus in about an hour.

What rhymes with "Lutherans"?

I know I'm beginning to sound like an old vinyl LP with a big gash through it but why does the Star Tribune insist on the rhyming headlines? Today's sports page says, "Twins not out of clout". I suppose I should let this one slide (heh) considering that baseball has a longstanding tradition of inspiring rhymes, i.e., "Casey at the Bat" and "The Sultan of Swat". Also, as a Twins fan, I'm glad they're not out of clout, even if they aren't exactly in it to win it. (I mean that sarcastically, of course; I'm fighting the urge to put in one of these: :P)

I'd give "out of clout" a pass if it weren't for this horribly ridiculous headline on the front page of the Variety section: "Getting the News out to Jews". The article is about a blog "aimed at helping young Jews find their way through a religion that many have lost touch with." Aren't the Strib writers lucky it isn't a blog aimed at Lutherans? Additionally, since when is it acceptable to end a sentence with "with"? Should it not be a blog "aimed at helping young Jews find their way through a religion with which they have lost touch"? It might be fine to have "with" as a dangling preposition in casual conversation, but is it acceptable on the printed page?

Oh, and what about the little rhyme hidden in the body of the article: "So what's a young Jew supposed to do today?" Oy. Hello, this is a newspaper, not the current events according to Mother Goose! How long will it be before we see articles that begin with "There once was a man from Nantucket"? Why don't they just write the whole damn paper in Limerick form? Better yet, they should assign each section of the paper a different form of poetry...the Metro section should be composed entirely in sonnet form, while the Taste section ought to be free verse, and naturally, the Op-Ed section should be in haiku form because the world would be a nicer place if Op-Ed commentators were allowed only seventeen syllables.

Free Bacon

I don't know where to start with this one:

"College is all about finding your niche. Some students "find" themselves in books, while others discover themselves in bars. This guide to college fun isn't about books. Whether you're a punk or just like to get drunk, the following nightlife picks should help you get in where you fit in. (Tell Mom and Dad to calm down--not all of them have to do with drinking.)"

This rhyme studded paragraph is the intro to the article, "Get in where you fit in", which is on E3 of today's Variety section. It lists the best places, according to Tom Horgen, for college students to get trashed in the Twin Cities. I have nothing against drinking, mind you, but I do take issue with cliche tropes like "college is all about finding your niche". College is a place to get an education, and I deeply resented being kept awake at night by kids who were blasting Britney Spears and "finding their niche".

Secondly, why does Horgen put quotes around "find" and not around "discover"? Is he saying that students allegedly learn about themselves through their studies because he wouldn't know from experience, or did he leave the quotes off of "discover" because that would read too much like "Joey 'discovered' himself for the first time when he found his brother's Playboy magazines"? I suppose there is no hidden meaning behind this inconsistency--just the lazy editing that is becoming the hallmark of this paper.

Lastly, why, oh why the rhyming? The rhyming is far worse than any superfluous alliteration, especially when it's just plain bad rhyming. You know what else rhymes with "drunk"? How about, "stunk," "skunk" and "bunk"? Let this be a lesson, kiddies: rhyming is not a substitute for quality writing. Unless, of course, you're writing ad copy for a third rate mattress retailer.

The article does contain some valuable information. For instance, I didn't know that Wednesday was free bacon night at the Triple Rock and I appreciate that Horgen included this tidbit. I also appreciate that he didn't try to find a rhyme for "bacon".